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Wednesday, 22 August 2012

have to choose between pain and true love(crippled by pain)


This is something I never thought I would have to do?? my life finally started to get better and my heart is finally filled with so much love for my husband but now I am torn between hurting everyday of my life in so much unbearable physical pain and true love , I went to the doctors today at our clinic which is a great clinic and I would recommend it to anyone they really care. but the one doctor today informed me that pain meds are very bad for me and of course I know that but having a stroke isn't either I am not the normal person that has a headache or backache I have a very serious and painful disease pseudotumor cerebri .
and level 5 nerve damage due from over 300 spinal taps to relieve the fluid off of my brain and just had shoulder surgery and in need of neck surgery at level c56 c67 all together I have had 46 surgeries and I hate going to new doctors I feel like a junkie just because I don't want to live my life in so much pain and I feel they hear my story and don't either believe me or they judge me even though I had a great doctor there I listened to someone and switched from Dr Daniel to a Different doctor there BIG MISTAKE.   and what made me not want to see her again was the fact they are getting new counselors and It would be at least six months before they got one so she told me to go to emerg and tell them I was gonna kill myself omg no way cuz I have been fighting to stay alive one surgery after another, but knowing that clinic like I do they will find a way to help me.

Seems my life is filled with emotional pain and physical pain but I can't take them both, there are nights or days when yes I do think I can't handle this physical pain and my new doctor said with natural healing I would be fine and yes I do wished she was right but I went down that road before and tried like hell but the pain sent me into a stroke then another stroke so after the 3rd stroke the doctors knew my pain was to great but now I have very high blood pressure which its been pretty good lately , so what do I do stay in canada where I have no insurance and very little money to stretch every month or go back to the states where the doctors know what true pain is like and they know me??

They have did so many tests to prove my pain is very real, right now I just want to give up and let this messed up life win, I am so tired of fighting and being strong for what?? my husband omg I adore him but what kind of wife can I be when I can't go on picnic's swimming ex ex, I am crippled by my pain, I wished to God there was a human doctor that I could see that would read my medical records and realize I been having surgery after surgery for 22 years a total of 46 , I am so lost and confused with my life already that I don't know what to do, they must think I just wanta get stoned or something and if that was the case I would use drugs there everywhere and I heard cheaper but  I am not a drug addict I just want the pain to be down to a 5 and give me a chance for damn once to be HAPPY!! yea thats one word I guess I don't know.

I live in the midland Ontario area if anyone knows a compassionate doctor or at least a decent doctor please let me know, I need to talk it over with my husband on what we can do because living in this much pain is just heading me straight into another stroke and I don't want my husband to have to see that the last one paralyzed my right side it took 6 months before I could leave the hospital, the last 22 years have been spent in and out of the hospitals surgery after surgery, if your reading this please please keep me in your prayers and thank you for reading my real life story. 

Sincerely Deborah Monsinger ( Molitor )

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