Monday, 3 September 2012

what do I do??

I can't take it no longer I have been fighting all my life to stay alive with my health, surgery after surgery since I was beaten at age 28 on my wedding nite of all Nite's?? but that's a long story in it's self but I was beat so bad by two men that were after my new husband at the time and he ran and i was left there and guess who took the beating with the bats yea me, I spent several weeks in the hospital then diagnosed with  pseudotumor cerebri , then they told me I would have to under go several surgeries which turned into 37 so far 28 lp shunts and 9 vp shunts in my brain and they said I would be in so much pain for the rest of my life and omg they were not kidding, I joined a support group and there was one lady worse off then me she had 54 surgeries and finally stroked out and died from the pain and that's the biggest fear I have because I have already had 3 strokes and I know if this much pain continues  it wont be long at all, so I am tore between the love of my life or this damn pain and now they said my neck is in need of surgery at c56 and c67 plus I have level 5 nerve damage due to over 300 spinal taps to relieve the pressure off of my brain, the doctors in the states know my history and they know if I am not in pain I don't go see them but if I am hurting they don't treat me like a damn addict, what is wrong with wanting to have a life and live a pain free life which I will never be pain free but at least half of it gone, and I don't want a doctor that gives me advice to go to the hospital and tell them I am gonna kill myself , I wished I wouldn't have listened to my counsler and switched doctors so that part is my fault she just thought it would be better for me and my hubby to have different doctors oh God why did I listen?? what do I do?? God I wished I knew, but I am so tired of my heart being broke so I can hope I can see a doctor tomorrow and they can adjust my meds and this healing I do believe it will help me but in the meanwhile how do I live like this, someone please tell me?? what do I do??

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