Thursday, 23 August 2012

1st try at blog to get my story out to the world

Need some help on getting my story out, ever since I was 23 I lost my mother to the world of the missing here is the link>< and have went threw 46 surgeries and I have handled all that plus 3 rapes but two years ago my world come falling down, my husband died in my arms at the age of 36 , he came back from getting my pills at the pharmacy and told me baby call a ambulance I am dying and of course I knew something was wrong but for sure he wasn't gonna die well as soon as the ambulance got there he died that moment , he stayed with me until they got there and I told myself shit I can't take this pain no more but once again I was hanging in there getting a little better each day as so I thought and his mom and his sister asked me to stay cuz we were taking care of Tonya's children 3 and 6 while she was in the national guard and they wanted me to stay for the boys so they wouldn't lose a aunt too, well one night two months later I heard my sister in law scream Deb get shaylynn my dog and go out the back cuz we (my late husband and I) lived in the back of the house, the house was on fire, so I looked into the living room and seen the flames so I went to let my dog out and I seen my sister in law running towards the front door with Tyler the 6 year old well my dog did a 180 and she jumped on my back and knocked me down the stairs outside well I tried to go back in and my dog showed me her teeth which she never ever did before so I touched the door and it burned my hand I seen my sister going out the front so I wanted to get my late husband ashes, so me and Shaylynn got stuck in the back yard the snow was blocking the gate so I used my hand for a shovel like, so by the time we got out of the back and meanwhile I called 911 on my cell which i happened to be saying nite to a friend when she screamed fire thank God or was it?? so the firemen went in they were in there a whole 10 minutes and they came back out and asked me would I please come down to the station and I said why what's wrong I had a very bad feeling so I went then I seen the american red cross and a preacher my heart dropped to the floor saying to God oh no God please nooooooooo and they set me down and told me they all were dead on the stairs, my sister ran up stairs to get Patrick the 3 year old that we raised for 2 years (tears) they went up there to sleep so she was getting them and it wasn't the dang fire it was the carbon that killed all 4 of them, here is the link well one of them I also did one interview just too tell people please get smoke detectors at first I wouldn't do it I knew I wouldnt be able to hold it together but here is one of them << and to this day I dont know where I belong or what to do?? I keep asking myself why me why aren't I dead and I really want to be dead, but I re-married my best friend from canada and I still am so lost and messed up this feels like its not my life and I know in my heart It's too messed up I need something to give or I am gonna snap I feel like i shouldn't be here , I don't know how much more I can take or if I have taken too much already is there someone that can help me, I was gonna write a book my counselor seems to think it will help but I am in no way myself so lost please please help if you can.

Sincerely Deborah Molitor/ Monsinger

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