So we were all trying to heal from the loss of my late husband and Mom's son and Tanya's brother and of course the boys uncle, as the holidays came and went just like any other day nothing special I was setting in my room one day and our nephew the six year old came into my room and said don't be sad aunt Deb I will be your husband since uncle Mickey is in heaven and that touched my heart like nothing else could and I knew right then and there I could not sit and hide in our room no more that them kids needed me because there mom tonya was in the national guard and she worked everyday and so did the grandma so I was all they had, so everyday it was getting a little easier throwing myself into taking care of them precious kids and things were going a little better for all of us until!!!! the unthinkable happened!!!
I was on the phone with a friend I met on the internet and was on my way to sleep and I heard my sister in law SCREAM FIRE!! she came in my back room and said get shaylynn (my dog) out and you go out the back were headed out the front so I in panic went to let my dog out and she came around me and jumped up on my back and knocked me out the door down the back stairs and I got up to go back in to help her and my mother in law get the boys but my dog once again acted crazy and she got in front of me and showed me her teeth and she is such a harmless animal and so loveable so I thought she must know something I don't so I touched the door and it burned my hand it was red hotttt and I knew backdraft cuz I watched the movie, so i was gonna go around the front where i thought the family was but fist i called 911 first and when i tried to get out the back the fence was buried in about a foot of snow so i used my hands to dig it out so i could get the fence open which it seemed like it took a forever and my feet felt like they were frost bitten, I can remember asking God WHY?? haven't we been threw enough, and by the time i made it to the front the fire dept did too and they asked was there anyone in the house i said i don't know i seen my sister in law with tyler going towards the front door and maybe there three doors down at her ex hubbys house cuz it was so cold outside, then they went in and came out about 5 minutes to ten minutes after they went in and the police chief asked me would you please come down to the station with us and i said not right now i need to find my family and he said please please come with him so i for some reason said yes and when i got there he asked a few questions and i said i have to go find my family then i seen the American red cross and a preacher there and i looked at him and said WHO??? i knew in my heart one of them died but to my shook they were all on the stairs my mother in law with the keys to the truck in her hand , my sister in law had run up stairs to get her mom and patrick the 3 year old and the carbon monoxide had killed all four of them, at that point it was way to much to take in and i feel to the ground and cussed God out and said I am done no more I can not do this WHY NOT ME TOO??? why would God keep taking everyone I love and leave me to suffer and I truthfully don't think I will ever be the same, so they took me to a hotel and hid me from the news and told me to get some rest and we would figure everything out in the morning, I set in there and cried the whole night and yes I knew it was time for me to end the pain it was to much for me I had no one, my mother is missing, my father dead, im the only child all I had left was my dog, I have never been so hurt or scared and all alone all these feelings were something no one should have to feel, so yes i cut my wrist pretty good and i was staring at my laptop and i seen a message come up from the news and what 4th grade kids teacher had wrote about her kids they said why would God keep taking this ladys family and I knew I couldn't let them babies blame God so i wrapped my arm up and I wrote back to that teacher to tell them kids it wasn't God's fault then I knew I wasn't really blaming him either, then I got a message from one of my best friends online which was Shawn Monsinger and he stayed up and talked to me allnight long and he said think about all the people that would miss you and i said like who i have no one left and he said me for one and I thought to myself can I try life one more time?? but I have to close this blog for now cuz it's breaking my heart all over again but I know I have a couple of people to thank for why I am still here and one is Shawn and Bill at this point .