Tuesday, 7 August 2012
The day that changed my life
As I write these blogs I am sure I am gonna go back and forth in time from things I forget to put in, My mind is so messed up still and trying to find my way in this world when i thought my life was all set the way is was gonna play out, but to my surprise life had a whole other plan for me and deep down yes I am mad at God, don't get me wrong I love God I am just very confused, one day I was happy and it was just a normal day and I sent me late husband to the pharmacy before we were leaving for the lake, he came back about a half hour later and he set on the bed and I looked over at him and said are you ok? He said no sweetie It's really hot in here and it was cold outside so he took his shirt off and said Deb look at me we have to talk and there isn't much time, I said ok go ahead and I never thought them words would come out of his mouth, he said I am gonna die and I said WHAT!! and I said of course your not gonna die and why would you say that, he said believe me i am dying now please listen to me, so I did and he said promise me you will find love again that he said I have way to much love yet to give that he wanted to see me happy again so of course I promised him but deep down I was thinking he must be having a panic attack but i will still scared because at the time we were the only ones home which i will get to that later, I called the ambulance and it seemed like it took forever and he laid in my lap and kept on telling me it was gonna be ok that he was dying a happy man and the minute the second the ambulance drivers got there his head feel over my arm, then i moved so they could get to him and he was limp with no heartbeat but I thought they will make him better, so they put him in the rig and the whole rig was shaking they were trying to get him back and even when we got to the hospital they keep on working on him and they had me leave the hospital room and then i seen a Chaplin walk in and i just thought he was a friend of his mom's which she worked at that same hospital and by then half the family was there, we were all in a specail waiting room and when the nurse came in and said we need the wife I was scared to death it was the longest walk down the hallway to his room, they got me in there and told me he was gone they wanted permission to stop cpr which i wouldn't give them at the time, after which felt like hours but was only 20 minutes I said STOP let him go , so i had his mom and his sister and I in the room alone with him with no doctors to say our goodbyes , I took a pair of scissors and cut a lock of his hair and put it in a bag to save, then i asked his mom and sister to leave the room so i could say my goodbyes and i laid my head on his chest and that's the most lost i think i ever felt but i knew i had to pull it together for the family, we had lived with his mom and sister and her two kids which me and my late husband raised for two years they were 3 and 6 at the time, after the funeral and everything had been taken care of I had planned on moving back to michigan see i had moved to Iowa with mickey (my late husband) so it only seem right to go back but his mom said she really needed to talk to me about staying, she said the boys Tyler 6 and Patrick 3 the nephews really couldn't lose there uncle then lose there aunt also so would I stay for the boys and my Lord of course there was only one answer YES, will continue this with a part 2.